So, here I am at the end of another long and involved studio day. Frank (my producer) and I were incredibly productive, not to mention wonderfully blessed, by the fruits of our labor today. For as great as the day was, I sit here at the end of it, feeling drained. It's been a rough week so far - and it's only Wednesday. I'm not saying this to elicit sympathy and I'm certainly not complaining. Life is life and life is good. I am simply....expressing.
I am finding that's what I 'do' - I express. ALL.THE.TIME. I can't help it. It's in my very nature and it seems as if there's really nothing I can do about it. I've spent most of my life trying to change that - trying to NOT express what I'm thinking/feeling, in an effort to make sure I don't 'rock the boat' or upset anyone else. However, the older I get, the more this type of behavior feels inauthentic to me. If there's one thing I really struggle with in this life, it's feeling as if I can't be authentic.
It really bothers me when I feel as if I don't have a safe place to go to express something that I might be thinking/feeling/experiencing/attempting to process. This is one of the reasons I enjoy writing so much. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, a blank piece of paper ALWAYS gives me a safe place to go to express myself. There's no judgment there, no hurt feelings, no misunderstanding, and a blank piece of paper will never try to 'fix' me. It will never tell me that what I'm feeling is 'wrong' and it will never say to me 'Well, you know Jen, you really shouldn't feel that way.' No, that blank piece of paper simply holds a space for me to dump my garbage, share my joys, talk about my fears, express my excitement or shower it with my tears. It's like a big, warm hug when I need it the most - and I'm finding that I'm needing a lot of big, warm hugs these days.
So, tonight is a new beginning for me. I've decided that I am finished apologizing (to myself and others) for how I may be feeling at any given time. Human emotions can be tricky; they can be downright ugly sometimes and mine are no different - but that's just it - they're mine and they're human. Part of my journey as a songwriter and artist is to feel things as deeply as possible - and then to channel all that emotion into different songs. Not every song is going to be a happy one. So, why would I expect (or even want) every emotion to be a 'good feeling' one?
In all honesty, some of my strongest and most powerful writing has come from some of my most painful experiences. I am finding that to be true of the songs for this new album as well. The song Frank and I were working on today deals with the loss of a close friend - and the guilt/shame of feeling as if I could/should have done more to help him while he was alive. Another song that we've been working on recently deals with a situation I struggle with on a daily basis. Some days I'm fine with it, some days I'm not. Such is life. One day it feels as if the sun is shining brightly and everything is in perfect Divine order, and the next it feels as if the sky is falling and the bottom's dropped out.
This is where my new beginning is - finding a way to be okay with myself on the days that I struggle. I'm not going to lie - I feel as if I've had just about all I can take so far this year - and it's only June. That being said, I absolutely KNOW that the Divine is at work, ordering every step and situation perfectly. I will never let life's ups and downs shake me from knowing that there is always a higher truth and purpose being served.
All that being said, I will continue to express myself each and every step of the way.
I pray that you will do the same on your journey.
Love Always,
~Jen
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